Silent Suffering

Recently, there have been many hurtful remarks made on the Wheaton campus relating to race. These remarks were posted on Twitter and have sparked campus wide awareness of the issue of race, and it has started a chain reaction of prayer, support and dialogue about the issue. I have honestly been amazed by the amount of love that the Wheaton community has responded with. However, in the recent Town Hall chapel, where there is an open mic to ask questions to President Ryken, and he was asked about how he thinks homosexuality relates to this, his answer was essentially that race and sexual identity are different when it comes to discrimination. I think I agree with President Ryken, they are very different. When racist remarks are made, the community surrounds those who were hurt. When anti-gay and homophobic remarks are made, we suffer silently and alone.

Most Christians have decided to ignore the fact that they are hurting people around them with their remarks. They have created a systematic approach that allows them to discriminate against groups and feel as though they are doing God’s work. There are a few steps for achieving this state of mind:

1. Label gay people as “special type of sinners”, allowing Christians to distance themselves from gay people, because at least they aren’t “that kind of sinner”
2. Create an atmosphere of condemnation so that gay people feel as though they cannot discuss what they are feeling without being labeled, judged and hated
3. Rationalize that it is ok to speak hateful words about sinners because they are sinners, and sin is something to hate

There are problems with each of these steps which are obviously contrary to biblical principles. First, the only type of “special sin” is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Even if being gay was a sin, it would be no different than any other sin. We are called to love our enemies as ourselves, not to love others unless we don’t like the particular sins they commit. Second, the atmosphere of a Christian community should be that of grace and love, not one of condemnation. Going back to loving others as ourselves, anytime we make someone feel hated and judged, we have failed in our duty to love others. Third, we are all sinners. If we were to start hating all sinners then we would have no one left to love.

Humans have a tendency to love those who we are similar to, and Christians are no exception. We must realize this, and make sure that even though we may not be able to see someone’s suffering, people are in pain all around us. As Christians, we must make every effort to make everyone feel loved and accepted, even if we do not agree with their beliefs. 

A Mountain I'm Willing To Die On

A little over a week ago Glennon Melton wrote an article for the Huffington Post. The article's first half talked about how children are mirrors of adults, and that the bullying problem in schools is due to our cultural climate. Children reflect what they see around them, in their parents, on the TV, and from the culture at large. And right now our culture is saying that it is wrong to be gay, overweight or Muslim, as those are the three most likely groups to be bullied (hmmm, I fit into two of those).

The second half of the piece is a letter from a mother to her son, and it is amazing.

Dear Chase,

Whoever you are, whoever you become. You are loved. You are a miracle. You are our dream come true.

Chase, here is what would happen in our home if one day you tell your father and I that you are gay:

Our eyes would open wide.

And we would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while we were holding you we would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told us. And that you were never once afraid to tell us. And we would love you and ask you one million questions and then we would love you some more and finally, I would likely rush out to buy some rainbow t-shirts, honey, because you know mama likes to have an appropriate outfit for every occasion.

And I don't mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, Is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you would be one step closer to matching your outsides with your insides, to being who you are. And there would be a teeny part of my heart that would leap at the realization that I would forever be the most important woman in your life. And then we would tell everyone. We would not concern ourselves too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers, baby.

We just wanted you to know this, honey. We've worried that since we are Christians, and since we love The Bible so much, that there might come a day when you feel unclear about our feelings about this. Because there are a few parts in The Bible that discuss homosexuality as a sin. So let us be clear about how we feel, because we have spent years of research and prayer and discussion deciding.

Chase, we don't believe that homosexuality is a sin. Your parents are Christians who believe that the Bible is inspired by God, just like people are. And since the Bible is a living thing, it is in its very nature to evolve toward becoming more loving. We are to interact with it, to interpret it with our minds and hearts and souls. We are to consider the culture and time in which it was written and then consider the progress humanity's made since then. We believe that when those two things conflict, we are to consider the spirit of the law before the letter of the law. And to always choose mercy over judgment. Sometimes this means that we appear to be picking and choosing what we believe in the Bible. It's not really that, exactly, but it looks like that. And many will tell you that this approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But the thing is, honey, that the only thing that's scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who picks and chooses what to follow in the Bible, in one way or another.

Several years ago I was in a Bible study at church, and there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful, and I spoke up. I quoted Mother Teresa and said "When we judge people we have no time to love them." And I was immediately reprimanded for my blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 which says that none of the sexually immoral will inherit the kingdom of God and includes "homosexual offenders" on a list of those types of people.

But, I was very confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair, baby. She had no head covering. All of which are things that are sooooo totally against the Bible Rules. * And so I just assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to hold fast to the parts that limited other people's freedoms. I didn't point this out at the time baby, because she wasn't a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It's best not to embarrass people.

What I'm trying to say is that each Christian uses different criteria to decide what parts of the Bible to prioritize and demonstrate in their lives. Our criteria is that if it doesn't bring us closer to seeing humanity as one, as connected, if it turns our judgment outward instead of inward, if it doesn't help us become better lovers of God and others, if it distracts us from remembering what we are really supposed to be doing down here, which is finding God in every human being, serving each other before ourselves, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and sad, giving up everything we have for others, laying down our lives for our friends... then we just assume we don't understand it yet, we put it on a shelf, and we move on. Because all I need to know is that I am reborn. And here's what I believe it means to be reborn:

The first time you're born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you're born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club, it's about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who's in and who's out at all costs. Everybody's in, baby. That's what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely, honey. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in that Bible they are quoting is Do Not Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, honey, think hard.

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I've been married for nine years and barely any gay people have tried to break up my marriage. I say barely any because that Nate Berkus is a little shady. I am defenseless against his cuteness and eye for accessories and so he is always convincing me to buy beautiful trinkets with our grocery money. This drives your sweet father a bit nuts. So you might want to keep your eye on Berkus. But with the exception of him, I'm fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and anger and plain old human wanderlust. Do not be afraid of people who seem different than you, baby. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.

Chase, God gave you the Bible, and He also gave you your heart and your mind and I believe He'd like you to use all three. It's a good system of checks and balances He designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story. A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God's laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He said, "What are the most important laws?" And Jesus said, "Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love others as yourself." When in doubt, Chase, measure all your decisions and beliefs against that. Make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights, courtesies, and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can't go wrong.

Chase, you are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you can become or do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.

And so baby, your father and I have only one specific expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way we celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God's Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do, My Love.

"He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." - Michah 6:8

Love, Mama

P.S. We thought we should mention, honey, that if you're straight, that's okay too. I mean, it'd be a little anti-climactic now, honestly. But your father and I will deal.

P.P.S. As daddy read this essay, I watched his gorgeous face intensify. He teared up a little. Then he slammed the letter down on the kitchen table and said emphatically and without a touch of irony, "DAMN STRAIGHT."

Which, when you think about it honey, is really the funniest possible thing daddy could have said.

Love you Forever.

Now, I don't agree with everything in this letter ("People, every person, Is Divine" and "Everybody's in" being two of them), but on the whole I think it is pretty amazing. In my opinion, if Christianity at large took this view then we would all be better off. Christians are so often proud of how they "tolerate" gay people, as if that is somehow a reflection of God's love. "If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated." I cannot think of a single instance where Jesus "tolerated" someone. He loved them completely, even his enemies. The fruit of the spirit aren't "Tolerance, Joy, Peace, Patience etc." The first one is love.

I think Mother Teresa's quote is amazing, "When we judge people we have no time to love them." Christians have become too focused on judging who they think is and isn't a Christian. Think about what would happen if people stopped holding the "God Hates Fags" signs of Westboro Baptist, and started wearing the "We're Sorry" shirts of the Marin Foundation. Now that would be displaying God's love for the world to see.

Full Article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/a-mountain-im-willing-to-die-on_b_1223229.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl4%7Csec1_lnk3&pLid=130607

Videos!

I just added a side bar that has links to some of my favorite (relevant) videos on the internet. They're all related to Christianity and being gay, and they are all pretty amazing. It was a tough decision, but I didn't put any of my favorite but irrelevant videos up. But if you were wondering, Corey Gray, Sam Tsui and Tyler Ward are all cute and they can all sing well. What more could you want?

The "Broadway Singing 'It Gets Better'" one is just because I love music and I love "It gets better", so what better thing than to combine them! There wouldn't be enough space to put all of my favorite "It gets better" videos, but I'll probably add some of my favorite ones.

Want some inspiration as well as some perspective? The "Gay Rights Movement" video is a moving collection of clips that illuminates the gay rights movement.

What happens when you put a bunch of gay men together? A musical, obviously. It is kind of long, but worth every minute. The GCN Musical is funny as well as conveying the difficult pull between two poor choices that gay Christians experience, and the freeing choice that GCN represents.

Any other videos you think should be included? Just let me know through a comment.

Lonliness

Everyone feels alone sometimes (is that a line from a cheesy love song?). At some point in their life, everyone will feel as though they have been abandoned, betrayed, or like they have no friends. I've felt these things many times.

Just a year ago, I was severely depressed because I felt alone (for more, see my article "Gay at Wheaton"). I thought that God had abandoned, I thought that my friends and family would abandon me if they knew I was gay, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around me anymore either. What was, and continues to be, the source of my lonliness, was that I'm a gay Christian. "Why is that?" you may ask, and just a few weeks ago, I would have replied "I have no idea." Originally my lonliness came from a fear of telling people who I really am, as well as a sense of abandonment from God. But once I had dealt with those, I thought that everything would magically become better, and it did for a time. I experienced an emotional high of relief that people knew that I am gay, and that there were some people that I could be myself around. But soon the familiar feeling that I was alone began to creep back in. After some thinking, I realized why:

1. On some level, I cannot identify with straight guys. Sexual idenity affects our everyday interactions more than we give it credit for, and there is an inherant disconnect between me, a gay man, and my friends, straight men. Because of this, I often times do not feel connected to my straight friends.

2. I also cannot identify with my female friends. This one is more obvious: even though we're both attracted to men, we're still different genders. My female friends cannot identify with the problems I have as a man.

So this all leaves me with male friends who cannot identify with my sexuality and female friends who cannot identify with my gender. All in all, this makes my list of friends who can identify with me frighteningly small.
I think this means that the gay Christian feels isolated and alone. But there is hope. I recently read Andrew Marin's book, "Love is an Orientation", and it was a life changer. I won't go into too much detail now, as thats for a later post, but all I can say is that when he describes a group of gay Christians all worshiping together, I began to cry. Imagine: An entire church full of people who knew what I was going through and who could identify with my problems in a real way.

People need to be connected, they need to be able to identify with other, real, human beings who can understand what they are going through, and as human beings if we don't get this connection, we feel iolated and alone. Everyone will experience this at some point of their life, but I think it is especially poignant for gay Chritians. Being gay, we are limited with who can identify with us, and being Christians, we are told by our churches that we should not associate with those people who can identify with us (according to the church, where two or more gay men gather, sex will happen), but I think that those connections are important for our mental and spiritual health, and the few that I have had were like breaths of fresh air. Where do we find those? I'm not sure where to find the relationships we need, but I'm searching. If you find some, help out a fellow brother in Christ find his way.

Christmas!

So, I've been studying for finals all week and haven't had much time to write, so here's a quick post.

I've always thought that one of the most attractive attributes a guy can have is the ability to sing. So, in the holiday spirit, I give you "Mistletoe", sung by Corey Gray, who is both insanely cute and can sing really well. Enjoy!

My next post will probably have to do with either the book "Love is an Orientation" or about loneliness.

Two Pet Peeves

Many Christians have reprogrammed anti-gay responses to bring out when a discussion on sexuality arises. When I first heard them I was taken in by them and believed them, but once I started considering them, I realized that the two main ones that are used are actually pretty flawed.

The first response is that people who are gay can build a complete sexual identity without acting on their sexual desires. This argument often goes like this: "What gay people don't realize is that there is a whole part of their sexual identity that does not focus on their desires. They can build a whole sexual identity around that instead." This argument seems slightly crazy to me. Let me see if I understand this. If I ignore the largest part of my sexual identity, I can form a whole sexual identity? Something seems off here. Should I also ignore flour when I bake something and just focus really hard on the other ingredients? Or maybe I should try to get a car to work without an engine by having all the other parts be really high quality. People who use this argument are actually saying "I don't like the center of your sexual identity, so how about you ignore it."

The second common response is that gay Christians need to stop identifying themselves as "gay" and start to identify themselves as Christian. I am actually extremely insulted when I hear someone use this argument. They are assuming that I'm not identifying myself as a Christian, but I don't remember not having Christ be the center of my identity. Everyone has multiple things that shape their life and their identity. These may be our jobs, school, hobbies, relationships, friends or any variety of things. What we must do is order the importance of these things correctly. My Christian faith is the center of my life and my identity, and to think that it is not simply because I am gay is rather presumptuous. My sexual identity as a gay man is a large force that shapes my life, bit it is by no means a larger influence on my identity than my Christian faith.

Let me end this post with a final comment: God is the cornerstone of my life and my sexuality is not, but both inform my life in a very significant way.

Would I Change?

A lot of my friends say that they're "gay for" something (its usually Michael Buble). I've decided that I am "Straight for Jesus". That means that if someone said they could turn me straight and they thought I should, I would only do it it that person was Jesus. "Why is that?" you might ask, and its a good question.

I'm not sure if straight people can understand how much their life is shaped by their sexuality, and when I've told my friends that I would not choose to "be straight" or to "never have been gay" if I was given the option, and I don't think they understand why. Looking back through my life, I can see how much my sexuality has influenced how I interact with other people, the choices I have made, among other things. I know that the person I am today is heavily influenced by my sexuality, and the person I will become will be just as heavily influenced, if not more so. I don't think I would like the person I would be today had I always been straight. I would have never been so shy in high school, which influenced who my friends were, which made me the nerd I am today. I would have never been so scared of playing sports (locker rooms were terrifying for me), which would have taken away from my academics. So, one of the reasons I would not turn straight is because of the person I am today and the person I will become.

Another reason I would not "turn straight" is because of the plans I believe God has for my life. I don't subscribe to the idea that my parents made me gay, or that its some strange Freudian subconscious desire. Its pretty simple in my view. God made me this way, and he has a purpose for my life, and that my sexuality has something to do with that. I know that my current plans for life are based off of my sexuality. The reason I am currently looking to become a high school teacher and a school counselor is to help kids who are dealing with their sexual identity. Its something I wish I had when I was in high school. I believe this is a part of God's plan for my life, and I never would have arrived at this goal if I wasn't gay.

My life has been formed in a significant way by my sexuality, and I wouldn't trade my current life for anything, and I don't think God would ever ask me or want me to change. God's plan for my life is tied to my sexuality, and I am excited to see how it unfolds.