Lonliness

Everyone feels alone sometimes (is that a line from a cheesy love song?). At some point in their life, everyone will feel as though they have been abandoned, betrayed, or like they have no friends. I've felt these things many times.

Just a year ago, I was severely depressed because I felt alone (for more, see my article "Gay at Wheaton"). I thought that God had abandoned, I thought that my friends and family would abandon me if they knew I was gay, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be around me anymore either. What was, and continues to be, the source of my lonliness, was that I'm a gay Christian. "Why is that?" you may ask, and just a few weeks ago, I would have replied "I have no idea." Originally my lonliness came from a fear of telling people who I really am, as well as a sense of abandonment from God. But once I had dealt with those, I thought that everything would magically become better, and it did for a time. I experienced an emotional high of relief that people knew that I am gay, and that there were some people that I could be myself around. But soon the familiar feeling that I was alone began to creep back in. After some thinking, I realized why:

1. On some level, I cannot identify with straight guys. Sexual idenity affects our everyday interactions more than we give it credit for, and there is an inherant disconnect between me, a gay man, and my friends, straight men. Because of this, I often times do not feel connected to my straight friends.

2. I also cannot identify with my female friends. This one is more obvious: even though we're both attracted to men, we're still different genders. My female friends cannot identify with the problems I have as a man.

So this all leaves me with male friends who cannot identify with my sexuality and female friends who cannot identify with my gender. All in all, this makes my list of friends who can identify with me frighteningly small.
I think this means that the gay Christian feels isolated and alone. But there is hope. I recently read Andrew Marin's book, "Love is an Orientation", and it was a life changer. I won't go into too much detail now, as thats for a later post, but all I can say is that when he describes a group of gay Christians all worshiping together, I began to cry. Imagine: An entire church full of people who knew what I was going through and who could identify with my problems in a real way.

People need to be connected, they need to be able to identify with other, real, human beings who can understand what they are going through, and as human beings if we don't get this connection, we feel iolated and alone. Everyone will experience this at some point of their life, but I think it is especially poignant for gay Chritians. Being gay, we are limited with who can identify with us, and being Christians, we are told by our churches that we should not associate with those people who can identify with us (according to the church, where two or more gay men gather, sex will happen), but I think that those connections are important for our mental and spiritual health, and the few that I have had were like breaths of fresh air. Where do we find those? I'm not sure where to find the relationships we need, but I'm searching. If you find some, help out a fellow brother in Christ find his way.